I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
