i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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