The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
