she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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