You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Randomize
