I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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