I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
