i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
