Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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