dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
