I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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