Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
