Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
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Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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