I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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