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You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
