saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
