I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
