Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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