I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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