can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
