So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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