i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
