He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
