Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
