He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
