I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you had me at cake vodka
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were trust falling into bushes
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
