GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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