ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
