She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
