Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
