It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i think my cat just said my name.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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