i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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