worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
