Porn is love you can see.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
