Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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