I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
