All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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