i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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