I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
