I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize