So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
