the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
