dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
