I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I forgot wine drunk hurts
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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