hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
