My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
