She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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