if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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