My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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