how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
