I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
