I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
