I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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