After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
